working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
