I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
