I can tuck mytits in my pants
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
