you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
