Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
