He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
tell me about the eggs
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