He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
