Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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