I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
