I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
