I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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