so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
