I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
