You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You ruined the universe
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
