I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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