How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
