this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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