it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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