I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
