Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
