nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
