So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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