Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
