i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
