ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
