My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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