I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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