the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Randomize
