My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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