I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
A+ Viking dick
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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