Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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