I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
