I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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