But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
