I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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