you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
