Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
At least life still wants to fuck me.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
