she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize