Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm jealous of your bromance
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
