My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
