it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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