wanna go halves on a baby?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
