he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
