I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
