my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
