there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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