Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I would fuck him just for his dog
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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