Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
