I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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