Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
