His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
