so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I can feel your judgement through the phone
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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