I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
