My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize