I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
